What I learned about parenting from psychology

Have you ever been motivated to do anything, whether the dishes, laundry, or general house chores, until your mom, dad or guardian asks you to do so? And then you lose the motivation. Five minutes ago, you wanted to do the dishes, but now that you’ve been told to, you feel the opposite of motivated.

Today, we’ll use psychology to explain why this happens and hopefully draw some valuable conclusions and advice for the next generation of parents.

So let’s dive in.

📷: Guardian Nigeria

Parenting as we know it is interesting, to say the least, and depending on where you live in the world, it can be pretty different. American parents are known for phrases like because I said so, and Nigerian parents are known for agba o kin paro. (meaning an elder doesn’t lie). Many Asians will tell you their parents greatly valued excellence in math and music. However, I’m Nigerian, so I’ll use my culture as a reference when necessary. Some popular Nigerian parenting strategies are less or just plain ineffective, though culturally acceptable.

Now, a short disclaimer. First, this post is not to throw shade or call out Nigerian parents as it benefits no one, and secondly, it’s not their fault. Most parenting strategies are hereditary, and most parents would change their approach if they could. Just ask therapists. Instead, my goal is to introduce a style of parenting built to achieve efficiency in household maintenance, the development of necessary life skills, and stronger parent-children relationships.

What’s more? It’s not a threat to Nigerian culture and is based on psychology.

In psychology, motivation has three prerequisites: autonomy, competence, and social support, meaning that anyone who meets these requirements is more likely to begin and succeed in that task and repeat it. Autonomy is achieved when an individual feels in control of their situation. One technique for creating a sense of autonomy is to provide options. This free will boosts personal confidence and increases the individual’s commitment to their chosen option. For example, between Child A, who is told to do dishes, and Child B, who is told, they can either do the laundry or dishes, Child B will be more enthusiastic and committed to their chore and is more likely to execute it well.

Competence is defined as a person’s level of the knowledge and skill required to do a specific task. Though chores don’t require a lot of skill, you can use this principle to your advantage as a parent. For example, sharing tasks based on what you tag ‘strengths’ can encourage a child to participate in the chore even if they are not more skilled than the other kids. So instead of just assigning chores randomly, you make a chore list and say, “Funke is cooking this week because she’s really good at it, and Daniel will do laundry because he washes the best.”

Now, whether or not these children are good at cooking or laundry, you better believe they will be enthusiastic and even proud to perform said chores, becoming better in the long run. Now, that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And if you want to go the extra mile, you can connect your child’s strengths to their chores. Are they artistic? Be spontaneous. Let them cook something new or rearrange the kitchen drawers once in a while.

The last requirement is social support. The easiest way to implement this is to have joint chore sessions. For example, announce, “From 7:30 to 10 am is chore time, so I expect to see everybody out here.” Remember that chores are often painted in a negative light, so if a child perceives they are doing all the work, they’ll lose motivation. However, when they experience chores as a family activity, they are less likely to buy into the chore prison narrative.

Am I making sense? How many times have you scoffed yet? Would you try this?

Let me know in the comments below, and get ready for more radical ideas in my next post on the reward system in parenting and how that can positively or negatively affect us.

If you enjoyed this piece, share it on your social media to support the blog or in your family group chat if you want to choose violence👀😁

Till then,

Love and Peace.

Kami.

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